Feh

My grandmother died.

Just back from her funeral in Massachusetts. Last week Lucia, and now my last grandparent. Tonight I'm tired. And a little lonely. The service, and the time around it, I was padded by family. Now I'm home, and dammit, I feel sorry for myself. My friends are out of town or busy with their own families, and I'm staring at the computer wondering if I shouldn't just join a dating service or something to get me out there again meeting people. And then my stomach turns a little and I remember that all this stuff is building up, that I just need to sit back and relax, give it time to sink in.

It's also very hard to study abnormal psychology when you are feeling down & exhausted. At least today's readings were on sleep disorders. That's something that I don't have yet, though my recent wakings in a heat of anxiety haven't been fun. But understandable. I'm so ready for this semester to be over... and yet, so much of my life is school right now. What the hell am I going to do with three weeks off? Process, you say? Well that's just fucking no fun at all.

Is it really that bad, people?

I am so, so tired of the conservative viewpoints against sexuality and homosexuality in this country. What is it with you people? All this post-election coverage of people defending their Republican ties as "voting their morality". And what is that? Do you realize how stupid it's going to sound in 20 years telling your kids that when you were younger gay people couldn't get married? And that your parents were alive when black people couldn't use the same drinking fountains as white people? It makes me sick.

What would be so bad about letting sexuality be, well, sexual? The only thing that's currently allowed to be full of sex in this country is consumerism. I mean, a nipple shot or two men having a makeout session is just SO WRONG, but that extreme closeup of a sizzling McDonald's burger? Break me off a piece of that.

And what would happen if we started teaching our kids about healthy sexuality, trust and intimacy, protection and the fact that sex is, well, supposed to be fun. Not some guilt-laden thing that two recently married kids fumble through in order to propagate the species. I mean, imagine if we treated food that way, even slightly. No more restaurants, picnics, or open conversations about "my favorite food" as a get-to-know-you on Timmy's first day of 2nd grade. Just a bunch of Americans stuffed into dark rooms eating their sandwiches alone, feeling guilty as hell that they ever got hungry in the first place.

Lucia Berlin

Lucia Berlin, my beloved creative writing teacher's obituary was in the paper today.

She made every one of her students pull the best from themselves and spill it onto paper -- made everyone feel like a Writer. Even seeing her years later as my teacher, after a life of alcoholism and scoliosis, you could feel the warmth of an earlier life around her -- a shawl of past sadness, worldliness, wild romances and big oceans. She was raw and forgiving and edgy and beautiful.

And now, in her passing, I find out that we lived in the same neighborhood in Oakland, me some 25 years after her. And I think back on how seriously she took my writing. I once turned in an incredibly sappy story about an older couple. She delicately commented on how frail the plot was; that nothing had really happened in my story. And I confessed to her that friends had been going through loses recently, all of their loved ones too young to die, just like the losses that I had experienced earlier in my life. And that maybe I just wanted someone to have a happy old-age ending for once. And she looked at me with a quiet smile, making it feel so okay to write for catharsis alone. Seems simple, but no one else ever did that for me.

I have missed her since college. I miss her even more now.

About Me:

I have one shaved leg right now. The hot water ran out yesterday when I was just finishing up leg numero uno, so I had to try and finish as fast as possible and then jump out of the shower all spastically. And yes, I did shower today, but I didn't shave the hairy one. I think it's kind of funny, so I left it.

It's My Fault, Though

I'm sick. Nasty cold. But it's my fault that I'm coming up on 5 days of hacking up terrible things. I'm overworked, very busy with school, and being overly social. Worth it, though. My painting class is starting to bring me real joy. I'm finally letting go of all the self-critiquing and starting to just sit back and breathe in the fumes (figuratively, mostly). I leave class energetic and brimming with ideas. May post later re: this girl in my class -- she's a trip -- but for now let's just leave it at that. Art = good.

Lots of bar time. Bar time not good with cold medicine. Ugh.

Drinking is probably not the best way to dull election result depression. Going to see Le Tigre, however, is. It was one of the best live shows I've ever seen. Go, lone reader, please, if they come anywhere near where you live. If you are rich, fly to go see them. And bring me with. It was spastic and beautiful and I danced forever in these ridiculously uncomfortable boots and didn't notice a thing.

Other good concert recently: TV on the Radio opening up for The Faint. Can't say enough good things about TVONTR. So much so that I would happily give up the "I'm cooler than you because I know about this band and you don't" status (I'm kidding. I'm 26 and am currently staying with my mother. I don't get that status anymore) to promote them.

O.k. You are probably very cool and already knew about them. You may very well already be over them. But their lyrics still kick ass.

Dear President Bush

Because I cannot believe that the world is completely evil, because I cannot give up hope despite my anger, and because I can't not, here is my letter to the White House:

Dear President Bush,

Though I did not want you to win the election, and do not believe that you necessarily won the election without some help from the folks at Diebold, I will attempt to stand behind you as our president. Which, by the way, is crazy. I marched against you. I signed petitions against you. I have given money and time to dozens of different organizations determined to get you out of office. I think that your administration is a major reason why I struggle (as a college graduate and a motivated worker who three years ago was making more money than my father, a tenured college professor, ever made in his life) at a $10/hour job where I had to fight my ass off for benefits that I can still barely afford. The non-profit that I work for has had their funding cut so drastically that we're sacrificing parts of our mission statement to cover costs. We're losing our essence to remain a part of the community at all.

But I will try to stand behind you. All that I ask in return is to remember that nearly half of the people who voted in this election didn't agree with you, and to remember that every decision you make affects someone, often millions of people, in our country and around the world.

Each and every soldier, American. Iraqi or otherwise, that dies in this war is leaving behind loved ones. My dad died in a fishing accident. It still hurts, even nine years later. It broke my heart in two. Because of your decisions, thousands of families are experiencing the same pain. Is it worth it? If it is, and you can say so with full knowledge of both sides, of the full understanding of why we're at war and who is benefiting and will we change lives and why we aren't in Rwanda instead and if you can say, with total conviction, that there was not a better way, and that every man woman and child who dies will be worth the sacrifice, yes, all that pain will be worth it, then I will try to stand behind you.

If you really believe that the "sanctity of marriage" isn't a joke brought on by the steely, scary side of the religious right, and does not come from fear, from hatred, and from bigotry, and if you really, honestly believe that two women or two men who love each other with all their might, who live as a family just like everyone does, who have children and are active in the community and go to the movies and maybe even attend church together is more blasphemous than two wasted 21 year-old one night stands gettin' hitched in Vegas or marriages that are verbally or physically abusive or friends that get married just for the tax breaks, well then, I'll try to stand behind you. I'll be wicked pissed, and surprised if in 40 years we're not comparing this time to the the racist ideals of 40 years ago, but I'll try to stand behind you.

And if you believe, again, from all angles and with all your heart, that you won this election fairly, and that you were elected because the majority of American voters believed that you were the better candidate, and that their decision was not based on the vicious smears your campaign brought up throughout the campaign months, or the technological advances that HAVA made popular (but your buddies at the voting machine companies profited from), but on the fact that you had the better policy for what Americans want out of an administration, and that you are proud of winning this election because you think that you will do everything in your power to act as the voice of the people, the protector of the people, and the conscience of the people, then I will try to stand behind you.

I could go on. And on. But I just have to try to trust you. It's all I have -- the trust that you care about me and my fellow citizens, and that you will do everything in your power to make the right decisions with all the information needed to do so. Because if not, if that's not what you're doing, then all of us, every American, has blood on their hands today.

- Ester

Oh, God.

Kerry just conceded. Fuck all of you Dems who were too lazy or ambivalent to vote. Fuck you, Diebold. And fuck you, America. For the conservative, gay-hating, anti-abortion, money-swindling, environment-bashing hate monger agenda you promote.

I have to go to class now.