...And sometimes they're not so bad.

So, fear & elation. The boyfriend & I are moving in together.

All these girls in my program who are engaged or married say: "You know when it's the one, without question. If you have doubts, then it's never going to be right." Who are these people? I have a million doubts. What about? That things won't work out. That this isn't the Best Life I could be affording myself, with a musician boyfriend who has delusions that he'll either get famous or I'll be the breadwinner (me with a bajillion school loans.) That I'll get hurt, or possibly worse, that I'll hurt him. That he'll cheat on or betray me. That we'll have weird, fucked up kids because both of us tend to be anxious people.

I think for me commitment is just saying that I want to try. And I'll want to keep trying until something goes wrong that can't be fixed and we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. Because the truth is that I don't have control over a lot of things. Most things. Him, for example. I trust him implicitly, but I don't know what's going to happen.

Example: he could die. Talk to any girl who lost her father at an impressionable age, as I did, and she'll probably have my same issues. It is hard to love people because people you love can die.

Plus, my boyfriend lied about smoking. He is capable of that. Lying to me.

But he is also my best friend. When stuff happens in my day, he's the one I want to tell. He believes in me without question, and dorks out with me over little stuff. He likes eating out. He talks too much and then gets all embarassed about it. He makes me awesome mix CDs. He bought me a silkscreen because I'm always talking about how I want to start making my own t-shirts. He tells me that I am beautiful, while pushing back my hair with one hand and cupping my waist with the other. Over and over again. And every thing that has ever started bad between us has only made us closer.

And at least today, I am the luckiest girl I know.