Relationships. Are. Hard. Sometimes.

So. Tonight I'm at the boy's house after a weekend with my girls. Not just any girls, but the girls... the ones I have known for most of my life and who, through everything, have been there. One's married, another getting married in a month. And I'm talking to them about the boy, whom they both adore, and somewhere in there a little of the fear drops away. Know what I mean? Whatever. In talking about how great this guy is, I realize, wow, this guy is great.

And then I'm at his house, and I look over and there's a broken cigarette sitting on the shelf. And I'm just like, "Um, what's that?" And he goes pale. And I have busted him.

We quit together. About two months ago he caved, but didn't tell me. And then I caught him accidently. And he quit again, with many promises to boot. And then it happened again today.

See, it's not just the smoking, but what goes along with hiding the smoking, which I know well. I lied to my parents about it for years. It's making excuses to go run errands so you can have one. It's climbing out your window in the middle of the night to have one. It's not telling the person you love that you don't want to spend the night at their house so that you can have one. Trust me. I've been there.

He didn't tell me because he knows how hard it is for me to stay quit. True. Aaaaand, he's kind of a chicken. Oof, though, it smarts to find out either way, doesn't it?

At least it's a pure pain I'm in. I know where it's coming from. I love this person, and yet, some of my trust is gone. And it won't come back for a while. And that sucks.

Honestly, I don't know if we'll stay together. I want to, but it's not just this. I want to keep fighting for it, but trust is pretty big with me and all of a sudden, I'm fighting not just for me, but for a future that I can grow and expand and be myself in. And I want it to be him, but... well, I hope it winds up being him, but tonight I'm not sure.

Yeah. Bedtime.