I am the Master.
At long last, I have perfected the art of drinking. Back in college I was a mess. A total amature. I had two levels to my binging: sober and throwing up/going straight to bed. It served me well. While all my friends were doing stupid things like making out (perhaps even going home with) with The Lame Guy at the party, I was over calling a cab so that I could go back to my apartment, throw up, maybe eat some toast and go to sleep. It would be about the third drink and I would just turn a corner and be like: Okay, it's time. I am now drunk and have to call a cab, quickly.
Now, at age 26, I'm turning pro. With the exception of last weekend, when a friend's birthday party was an excuse to get hammered (with the presence of the ex and a dance floor adding fuel to the fire -- too bad he doesn't dance, we could have had some Britney/Justin Danceoff thing instead of just strained conversation), I'm getting way better at this. This is not, like, the best achievement in my life (which is teaching myself how to glue holes in my sweaters back together), but it's nice to know I can ride a buzz for a few hours, eat some food and go to bed. No throwing up necessary. No hangovers, either.
The secret is the Model Walk. When you start doing the Model Walk, it is time to stop drinking. This is the best the buzz will get. You're pretty sure that you're the hottest thing in the room, on your way to the bathroom with your bad self, swinging your hips in time to the music, all the guys going, Woah, who's THAT girl? And if you have even one more drink on top of that, your Model Walk will get all stumbly and that will not be hot at all.
I even have a favorite Model Walk bar now. It's a dive, but they have TV on the Radio on the jukebox, and a really long walk to the bathroom. No stairs, no corners, nothing to mess up your stride. Just the pool tables on one side, the bar on the other, and my bad self and my bad self's best friends on our way to the bathroom.
Now, at age 26, I'm turning pro. With the exception of last weekend, when a friend's birthday party was an excuse to get hammered (with the presence of the ex and a dance floor adding fuel to the fire -- too bad he doesn't dance, we could have had some Britney/Justin Danceoff thing instead of just strained conversation), I'm getting way better at this. This is not, like, the best achievement in my life (which is teaching myself how to glue holes in my sweaters back together), but it's nice to know I can ride a buzz for a few hours, eat some food and go to bed. No throwing up necessary. No hangovers, either.
The secret is the Model Walk. When you start doing the Model Walk, it is time to stop drinking. This is the best the buzz will get. You're pretty sure that you're the hottest thing in the room, on your way to the bathroom with your bad self, swinging your hips in time to the music, all the guys going, Woah, who's THAT girl? And if you have even one more drink on top of that, your Model Walk will get all stumbly and that will not be hot at all.
I even have a favorite Model Walk bar now. It's a dive, but they have TV on the Radio on the jukebox, and a really long walk to the bathroom. No stairs, no corners, nothing to mess up your stride. Just the pool tables on one side, the bar on the other, and my bad self and my bad self's best friends on our way to the bathroom.
posted by Ester at 9:25 AM
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